John Deere

A man driving a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his John Deere tractor and offered to pull him out for only $25.

After the motorhome was back on dry ground the man said to the farmer, "At those prices, I bet you're pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Two Ladies

Two Ladies talking in the after life....

Sylvia: Hi! Wanda..

Wanda: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

Sylvia: I froze to death.

Wanda: How horrible!

Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Sylvia: So, what happened?


Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Tequila

A man  walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on  the counter, and sees  that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.   He guesses there must be at least  ten thousand dollars in it. He  approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well...,  you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man  certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he  asks,  "What are the three tests?"

 

"You gotta  pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are  the rules."

So, after  thinking it over a while, the man gives the  bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

"Okay,"  says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First  -  You have to drink a whole quart of  tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you  can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second -  There's a pit bull chained in the back with a  bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth  with your bare hands."

 

"Third -  There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never  had sex.
You have to take care of that  problem."

 

The man is  stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  --  but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!   You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of  tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your  call," says the  bartender, "but, your  money stays where it is." 

 

As time  goes on, the man has a few more drinks and  finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs  the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast  as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks --but he doesn't make a  face -- and he drinks it in 58  seconds!
 

Next, he  staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,  and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing  but silence!

 

Just when  they think that the man surely must be dead, he  staggers back into the bar.  His clothes  are ripped to shreds and  he's bleeding  from bites and gashes all over his  body. 

He drunkenly says, "Now....,  where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

From an email sent by  Dan Ciria Cruz

A practical example of how the human mind works

In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people.

Analyze the photo before reading the review.

• For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
• For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
  The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
• The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
• For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
  The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
• The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
• Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

Where White Man Went Wrong

Wine Taster

At a wine merchant’s, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.  The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.  

They gave him a glass to drink.  

He tried it and said “It's a  Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Low grade but acceptable.”

“That's correct”, said the boss.

Another glass....

“It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.  Requires three more years for finest results..”

“Correct.”

A third glass...

“It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. 

The alcoholic tried it.

“It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.”

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