The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?" 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.

"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. 

"Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. 

"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

"What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

Dad's Reply

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:  "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if  you might be my kid."

FROM: Arya Razavi 

Contemporary Art

A  Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom  of children while they were drawing. She would  occasionally walk around to see each child's  work.

As she got to one little girl who  was working diligently, she asked what the  drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm  drawing God.'

The  teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what  God looks like.'  

Without missing a beat,  or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a  minute.'


Thanks to the following: Dan Ciria Cruz for the eMail and Caridad Salonga for the photo of her daughter Amari.

Bull

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ....You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Awesome

All is fair in love and war

My pretty Batangueña bed spacer, now working at the Shell Refinery in Batangas, had this photo.  

Which reminded me of an old Burger King take on McDonalds.

Way to go, LJ...

Please Clarify..

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

 Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

"Is that one word or two?"

NOTE: Dan Ciria Cruz sent this anecdote via eMail.

Touche

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It  says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

NOTE: Many thanks to Arya Razavi for sending this anecdote.

The Aussie Salesman at Harrods

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. 

 
How much was the sale for?'

 '£124,237.64p.' 

 
The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64!!  

What the hell did you sell him?'
 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 ’  

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

NOTE: Harrods is an upmarket department store located in Brompton Road in Brompton, in the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, London. The Harrods brand also applies to other enterprises undertaken by the Harrods group of companies including Harrods Bank, Harrods Estates, Harrods Aviation and Air Harrods.

Annie Get Your Gun

Greeting Cards for Spammers

This one should get your message across.

 

And for those fond of risque photos.

Need not be halloween for you to send this.  A bit saracastic, eh??

I told you I was a busy body.

FROM: Arya Razavi

Time Machine of Music

This one is real neat. It's sort of a time machine of music. Each of the year below connects to the best 20 hits of that year. Click a year, wait a few seconds, and the Juke Box will show you the 20 hits to select from. You can play all 20 hits, or just those that you like.ááá Hope you like it... try it out.

> > >1940	> > >1950	> > >1960	> > >1970	> > >1980	> > >1990
> > >á1941	> > >á1951	> > >á1961	> > >á1971	> > >á1981	> > >á1991
> > >á1942	> > >á1952	> > >á1962	> > >á1972	> > >á1982	> > >á1992
> > >á1943	> > >á1953	> > >á1963	> > >á1973	> > >á1983	> > >á1993
> > >á1944	> > >á1954	> > >á1964	> > >á1974	> > >á1984	> > >á1994
> > >á1945	> > >á1955	> > >á1965	> > >á1975	> > >á1985	> > >á1995
> > >á1946	> > >á1956	> > >á1966	> > >á1976	> > >á1986	> > >á1996
> > >á1947	> > >á1957	> > >á1967	> > >á1977	> > >á1987	> > >á1997
> > >á1948	> > >á1958	> > >á1968	> > >á1978	> > >á1988	> > >á1998
> > >á1949	> > >á1959	> > >á1969	> > >á1979	> > >á1989	> > >á1999