The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?" 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.

"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. 

"Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. 

"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

"What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

Dad's Reply

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:  "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if  you might be my kid."

FROM: Arya Razavi 

Contemporary Art

A  Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom  of children while they were drawing. She would  occasionally walk around to see each child's  work.

As she got to one little girl who  was working diligently, she asked what the  drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm  drawing God.'

The  teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what  God looks like.'  

Without missing a beat,  or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a  minute.'


Thanks to the following: Dan Ciria Cruz for the eMail and Caridad Salonga for the photo of her daughter Amari.

Bull

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ....You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Awesome

All is fair in love and war

My pretty Batangueña bed spacer, now working at the Shell Refinery in Batangas, had this photo.  

Which reminded me of an old Burger King take on McDonalds.

Way to go, LJ...

Please Clarify..

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

 Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

"Is that one word or two?"

NOTE: Dan Ciria Cruz sent this anecdote via eMail.